What do you see when you see someone living on the street? What do you see when you meet someone who has been struggling with the ups and downs of life? I see someone not so different from me. Someone who has experienced loss and trauma in their past, and who longs for unconditional love and acceptance.
I met with a good friend and coach today who stumbled upon a very important theme in my life – the feeling of being discarded. This is a pattern that has repeated itself throughout my life and I became very good at burying it so that no one would see the anger and hurt that lay behind it. I always had a smile on my face and focused on moving forward. When I was an early teenager, my parents had separated and I lived with my Dad and step-Mom. Before leaving to spend the weekend with my Mom, we would have a family meeting and my brother and I would be asked if we had ever thought about living with my Mom. On this particular weekend, I said yes. Not much was mentioned after that. My Mom came, drove us 30 minutes away to the city she lived in and we went out to eat at a restaurant. When we arrived to her apartment on the 3rd floor, the entire contents of the room at my Dad’s had been placed outside her door on the 3rd floor. We were all shocked. I left my Middle School in Durham on a Friday and was enrolled in a Middle School in Raleigh the following Monday. I was not able to say goodbye to my friends. I felt discarded.
A few years later, I was in high school and driving. I would occasionally stop by my Dad’s to say hi. My brother still lived there and one day, he moved out to live with us as well. We received a letter from my Dad stating that he was no longer our Dad and that we were to think of him as an Uncle and had to call to make an appointment before coming by. He had created a new family and our visits were disruptive to his family time. My brother and I were adopted and not related by blood to him. I felt discarded.
A few more times into my adult years, I reached out to have a father-daughter relationship with my Dad. I was reminded on multiple occasions that I was not considered family. I felt discarded.
I have had a super supportive and loving Mom and Step-Dad who did an amazing job being there for and raising my brother and I. We have been blessed!
Last week I did a DNA test and when I logged in to see the results, the first thing that popped up was a 50% DNA match and above the picture of a man was the words, “father.” The next two matches were a 24% and 22% match, so I assumed they must be my biological sisters or cousins. I sent a message through the app to all three and within 30 minutes, received a message from my half-sister. Over the next few hours, we became Facebook friends and I had pictures and information on my biological father, half-brother, grandmother, aunt and cousins! Within 24 hrs, I had information on who my Mom may be, and the next day, my half-sisters sister reached out to me and we are now Facebook friends. Somehow, finding out a piece of the puzzle as to how I came into existence, seeing the resemblance of people who look like me and having someone who is biologically related to me excited to meet me and stay in touch, filled a hole I did not even know existed! I am very blessed!
I hear very similar stories when visiting with individuals who are living on the streets, and from those who have been struggling through life behind a smile. For some, their lives started spiraling downwards when a family member that they were close to passed away. For others, they have been cut off by family members and feel discarded. The stories are all different; however, there is a common theme that runs through them. They have a desire to be loved unconditionally and appreciated; however, they walk away from their family relationships feeling discarded.
As I walk among them and hear their stories, I can relate to the pain that’s behind their smile. We bring out chairs and sit with them and listen to their stories. Normally, the stories would break my heart; however, over time, I’ve seen that just by sitting and listening to them and showing them unconditional love and appreciation, the hole that was once there starts to fill up. Each week, the hole fills up a little more. Trust is built and more details are added to their stories. Stories that once had emotions attached to them that became a stronghold, keeping them right where they are began to be told with different emotions. There is no denying what has happened in the past; however, new stories are now being written through love and appreciation, bringing about a glimpse of hope that grows each week.
I am so thankful to have my own sliver of love and appreciation that brought about hope to begin healing the discarded feelings of my past. I now connect to those living on the street or struggling through life behind a smile, not only through the feelings of being discarded, but also through the feelings of hope for the future!
I challenge you the next time you encounter someone living on the street, instead of looking away, look them in the eye as you would those you love. Say “hi,” and ask them how they are doing. Sit with them for a few minutes and just get to know them. You don’t need to give them money. Your time is more precious. You may be met with resistance at first as they are used to people wanting nothing to do with them, and could be confused as to why someone would want to know anything about them and why they would care. I get asked that question a lot – “why do you care?” and “why me? Out of all the people living on the streets, why me?” My answer is that they are made in the same image I am and I am so grateful to meet them and get to know them. I give them a hug and tell them that I love them. Be a light to them shining a sliver of hope into their lives. You will never know the difference your few minutes of unconditional love will have on their lives unless you give it. God left the 99 to find the one who was lost. Who is your one?