6: 46-49 “So why do you keep calling me ‘Lord, Lord!’ when you don’t do what I say? I will show you what it’s like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built. But anyone who hears and doesn’t obey is like a person who builds a house right on the ground, without a foundation. When the floods sweep down against the house, it will collapse into a heap of ruins.”
I don’t know why, but when I first read this, I thought of the story about the three little pigs. The pigs came from a home where there was not enough food to feed them and when they were old enough, their mother sent them out in the world to be on their own. The first pig was very lazy and built his house out of straw. The second pig worked a little harder, but was still a bit lazy, so built his out of sticks. It didn’t take too long for those two pigs to build their houses, so they had time left over at the end of the day to play. The third pig worked all day and built his house out of brick and added a lot of details the others did not have, such as a fireplace and a chimney.
A wolf was walking around the next day and could smell the first pig through the straw. He became hungry and it was not hard for him to demolish the pigs house. The pig ran to his brother’s house with the sticks. When he did not see the pig, he continued walking until he saw the house made of sticks. He could smell the pigs through there and was still very hungry. Like the first house, he was able to easily demolish it, but the pigs were able to get away before he could eat them. He chased them to their brother’s house that was made out of brick. They ran inside and slammed the door. He tried to demolish the third house, but could not. It had been built very solid.
The wolf was tired from all the running around and demolishing and was having trouble even making a dent in the brick house. He saw the chimney and thought it would be an easy way in. Meanwhile, the pigs made a big fire and put a pot full of water on top of the fire. When the wolf came down the chimney, he landed in the boiling water and when he was all cooked up, the pigs ate him for supper.
My whole life I have been like the first two pigs. I had been raised by a mother who had a calling in her heart to learn about Jesus and follow him, so I was aware of God’s word. I allowed circumstances that I felt were outside of my control to take me away from the one thing that could have made such a huge difference in my life – I just could not see it. I always felt very close to God; however, had a lot of questions. Things didn’t add up and every time I would search, all I would hear about was Jesus. I didn’t want to have to go through someone to get to God. I wanted a direct relationship with him. As much as I thought I knew about God, I realize now that the knowledge I had was such a small piece that in the overall picture, it would not even be recognizable.
I was a very hard worker, a very dedicated person who would go out of my way to help others at my expense. When it came to learning about God, I was like the first two pigs, very lazy and did not build much of a house to protect me. I did build up what I felt like was Fort Knox, around me. It felt very strong to me and I would not let anyone in; however, when the time came for the house to protect me against outside forces (challenging people and situations), it got quickly knocked down. I would run and hide – and I was very good at that! I would then try to build up the next layer of protection around me even stronger, but as with each house prior, when life’s challenges came my way, the house could not stand up to them.
The building materials I was using were very weak as they were made out of my ego and pride. When the wolves of life smelled me and started to hang around, I would hunker down behind my ego and pride, but they always seemed to find a way in and with each blow, I felt weaker and weaker until I felt that I lost who I was. I was tired. I just wanted to rest. Why couldn’t people and situations see that and just leave me alone? I needed to catch my breath and rest so I could build up the next house, but it seemed like as soon as I tried, I would get defeated again, and would feel completely exposed, without a roof over my head and walls to protect me.
I felt an inner pull towards God, but it was so foreign to my mind and reminded me of all the Christian people I knew that I had been hurt by that I allowed that to impact all the bricks that God was leading me to, to build a solid foundation for my house. It took some very challenging and painful situations, that happened over and over again, to finally get me to listen a little bit. I would start to search for a church, I had a Bible at home that I received when I graduated from high school that somehow made it through all the moves over the years. I tried to read it a few times, but when I opened it up and started reading Genesis, the writing was so foreign to me that I could not get past the first few pages. When I would attend a church service, it seemed like every other word was Jesus and I felt instant judgment, so would leave.
God finally got my attention that one day on the porch of the church where my son went to preschool and where I was attending a meeting to learn more about the church and their beliefs. I made a commitment that day to attend church for one year and read through the Bible during that same time frame. I reasoned that if at the end, I did not feel comfortable, I could just leave and say that I gave it a shot. That first year, my guard was up and I was trying to find some loophole to get me out of the commitment I made. I was very quiet and did not talk to others much. That was my way of keeping the flimsy house I had built up around me strong so that it could not be knocked down again.
During that first year, through reading the Bible, hearing the sermons and getting to know some of the members of the church who also experienced life challenges, and watching how they were able to move through them in a way that I desired, but could not comprehend at the time, I would pick up a brick or two and began building my foundation. I reasoned, it was only a foundation and not a house, and if at any point I felt uncomfortable, I would put the brick down and run back to hide behind my flimsy house.
Over that year, the foundation started really coming together! Just the foundation began to feel stronger than the whole house that I had been building and patching up over the years! Towards the end of the year, I felt drawn towards the foundation and realized, it needed some walls and a roof. As I would continue to work on my house made out of bricks, I still encountered life challenges and found myself running back under my flimsy house for protection, but wanting to be under the brick house, and realizing it did not have walls or a roof – so more inner work needed to be done. My heart was beginning to soften, but when faced with a life challenge, it would quickly harden up, which was my way of protecting myself.
God was very patient with me and would show me in a very loving way, a scenario from my past and the part I played in it. It was initially very rough to see that – and even accept any responsibility for situations that I felt had hurt me. It was way easier for me to feel like a victim. I have been emotionally and physically abused, to the point where I almost lost my life. I have been attacked and raped – on several occasions, by 6 different people. Some I knew and some I had never met. I have fallen in love with two lives that were given to me to bring into this world and dreamed of raising children in a happy family, in a home with a white picket fence, a dog and two cats, only to end up at an abortion clinic, devastated, after feeling my life and the babies life was in danger and the second time, having several people, including my Mom and the baby’s father and family telling me that it was not the right time to bring a child into this world. I have had major financial challenges, with my home going under foreclosure three times, being served papers from a sheriff informing me we had a week to be out of our home – with a newborn, as it was listed to be sold the next week, and have had two cars repossessed. I have had some very challenging work environments that came with a boat load of stress and have been threatened with two lawsuits. The list goes on and on – same story, different day. Encounter a challenge, rely on myself to get through it, feel victimized, become angry and frustrated, and hide behind the wall I built up around me, which only has the appearance of being strong, where in reality, it is falling apart as fast as I can rebuild it and patch it up. Go to bed feeling defeated, wake up somewhat refreshed and ready for the day’s battle – and repeat – each day – over 50+ years!
As I remembered situations from the past, I went headfirst into victim mode. What happened was wrong. Why did they do what they did? They are a bad person. I felt justified that I was no longer in that situation – and karma! That karma! They would so get what was coming to them, and I was going to sit by with a huge bowl of popcorn and watch it unfold with a sense of satisfaction in my heart! Yes. I’m in a much better place now! Serves them right! Wait – “you don’t like that thinking,” I would say to God. “But I was wronged. Clearly, you can see that!” His response – pray for the people and the situation from the past – right now. Just close my eyes, and envision God wrapping his arms around them and surrounding them with the most amazing amount of love and warmth they have ever felt.
OK – this was very strange at first. How can I possibly feel love for someone who has hurt me? I associated the word love with a romantic meaning. Love equated to holding hands, hugging and ultimately – sex. That just did not feel right. I had checked out of relationships. I did not trust men. I just wanted to be by myself – and what about the people who I was never in a romantic relationship with that hurt me? It felt weird to surround them with some type of romantic love – Yuck! And what about the women who I felt hurt me, gossiped about me, judged me and stabbed me in the back? How can I send them this romantic love? I may not trust men and have written them off, but I’m not gay either. I just want to be by myself!
But there was a continuous internal calling to pray for those who hurt me and to send them this love and warmth that was supposedly not a romantic type of love. OK. I can do that – in my head. No one needs to know what I’m thinking or doing. Learning a new type of love – one that is not equated to romantic feelings – is very hard to do, and takes time and a lot of practice. I had to infuse a bit of humor into it to allow myself to become comfortable with embracing this new type of love. When someone would do something that really got under my skin, or I would be in the midst of a challenging situation, I would say to myself (in my mind), “God, please help me with this situation or person so I don’t kill them! They are really pissing me off – and I don’t want to react in anger. Please take this anger away from me and help me pray for them, surrounding them with this love you keep telling me about. I’m not so sure I’m there yet, and I need your help with this! God – I lift [their name or situation] up to you. Please surround them with your love and warmth. I don’t know what they need or what they are going through, but you do. Please take this anger that is bubbling up in me and turn it into your love and surround them with it. God, I love you. Thank you so much!”
Over time, I began to realize that when God was showing me “my part” in past challenges with people and situations, he was not saying that I was to blame for what happened and that if I made different choices, I could have avoided the situation. Yes, I can see how that could be true, and I tried applying that logic at first as that is what I thought he was asking me to do. OK. When I was in sixth grade, I was asked to go to the principles office to retrieve something for my teacher. To go from one floor to the next, I had to go outside and down a floor and then back into the door. On my way down, a man came around the corner, threw me to the ground and attempted to rape me. How could I have avoided this? I had no way of knowing what would happen. Reflecting back on it many years after the fact, the only conclusion I could come up with was that I could have told the teacher no. But I had no idea it would happen, so how does this logic even work? I got more frustrated. I then felt the answer. There was no way I could have prevented what happened. It had an impact on me that has stayed with me through the years. I get very nervous when walking by myself – during the day or at night, walking on trails at a park, or when I see someone who reminds me of the person who attacked me – a black male between 20 – 30 yrs old. I have been “on guard” for over thirty years! That fight or flight response burned out my adrenal glands when I was in my late thirties, and I became very ill. That situation planted a seed of anger, hurt and resentment within my heart, and each time I felt that fear arise, whether it was walking where no one was around or when I encountered someone who reminded me of the guy who attacked me, that anger grew within.
I prayed for the person who attacked me. I have no idea who he was – and that did not matter. Each time my mind would try to wander away into victim mode and dissect what happened and how I was wronged, I would consciously stop my thoughts and take them back to lifting this person up to God, and having them surrounded with his love and warmth. I did not do this just once. I prayed for him over many days and weeks. I noticed that the initial feelings of being a victim and wronged started to disappear, a little more each time. I prayed for my younger self, lifting myself up to God, asking him to take the anger and hurt from the situation as I did not want to hang onto it anymore, and replacing it with his love and warmth.
I went through many different scenarios from my past and prayed for people and situations that I felt hurt and anger from. In addition to asking him to surround them with his love and warmth, I asked God to take my anger and hurt feelings around those people and situations and replace them with his love. Each week, I continued to grow in prayer and receive a new brick to start building up the walls to the new house I was building on top of the solid foundation. I could begin to feel a change, but it was very subtle and I was still encountering very challenging people and situations. I began to wonder if there was ever going to be an end to this. Would I ever get it and then magically have my whole life change to one of love, joy and happiness, where I can breeze through life’s ups and downs with a smile spreading love and cheer to others, never to feel anger and frustration again? The quick answer is – no. There will always be life challenges. Anger, disappointment and frustration are real feelings, and responses to a hit to our ego and pride. So all this praying – why am I doing it if it’s not going to help me moving forward? So, I’m still going to have challenging situations and feel wronged by others. I don’t get it.
What about my current situation? Praying for situations and people from the past was much easier to do because I had moved on and was no longer in those situations anymore or around those people. What about the situations I am currently feel frustrations around? My husband and I had been living as roommates for nine years. A lot of anger, frustration and disappointment had built up inside me from the time we were first married. I purchased a house right before we got married and shortly after moving in, life seemed to fall apart all around me. I went through a divorce a month earlier, that was challenged a week prior to the court date. I found out I was pregnant a week before moving in and we were scheduled to be married two months later. A few weeks after moving in I was asked to blow the whistle at my job, which I followed through with at a board meeting and was immediately fired. A few days later I had a horrible miscarriage that landed me in the hospital with my body in shock, on a blood transfusion list and my hemoglobin hovering at three (a normal reading is ten or eleven). I remember being too tired to open my eyes and feeling like this was it. While recovering at home afterwards, I went into my old job every day for a week to train my replacement and started a bookkeeping business.
I needed my husband at the time to come along side me, tell me everything would be OK and to walk through this with me, supporting me until I could get my strength back. Unfortunately, he was going through struggles of his own and mentally and emotionally checked out. We both ended up just going through the motions of life. A few years later, tired from flying by the seat of my pants to support our family financially, I gave him an ultimatum. Find a job by March 31st, or we need to go our separate ways. On March 31st, I found out I was pregnant and was to start a new job the very next day. I felt stuck, and we lived in the same house for the next nine years as roommates with one thing in common – the desire to raise our children in a somewhat stable environment. So – how does prayer work here – when I am in the midst of a situation or constantly in the presence of a person that brings about feelings of anger, disappointment and frustration?
Just pray. For the older situations and people of the past, it took some time through consistent prayer to begin feeling the shift from anger over to love, but once the anger was gone, it didn’t come back. In my current situation, that didn’t seem to work. I would pray for my husband and the challenging situations that kept coming my way, but they were always there – every day. There was no reprieve. I became even more frustrated! But I kept praying for him and asking God to help me so I would not kill him (said jokingly, of course). I added my children to the prayers, asking God to prick their hearts and surround them with his love and warmth. I was worried that all my internal anger over the years may have affected them and I felt horrible. Months went by and I felt a little better, but the anger was still there.
I had a good friend who was a very important part of my growth at the beginning. She was a member of the church I was attending and shared with me her past and struggles she had gone through. I remember feeling safe with her. Here was someone who was not a perfect Christian, who had some very challenging life situations and who just lights up talking about Jesus and prayer. She understood my challenges and loved and prayed for me as I asked some really off the wall questions. Questions I could not ask others (but occasionally would run by the minister of the church), such as – “is it bad to envision a plane going down while my husband is traveling, taking my husband’s life but sparing my child’s?” Also – “how do I turn things over to God? It seems so easy logically, but feels almost impossible to actually do.”
She received news that she had cancer and mentioned being concerned about losing her hair – so I went home and shaved my head. Somehow, that night, my husband became attracted to me again and wanted to start working on our relationship – after 12+ years, and nine of them as roommates! I had moved so far away from him emotionally that that just seemed impossible to me! He would check on me while I was working and put his arm on my shoulder and I would instantly retract away from him. It was an automatic reaction that I could not control. I remember him asking me if he could give me a hug and I gave him a quick side hug.
He had been going to church and learning as well, and I could see the changes in him. Somehow, once he started learning about Jesus, his changes seemed to take place much faster than mine did. My changes took years and lots and lots of thinking, evaluating and questioning. I still could not give in though. I still had a ton of anger and could not trust him. Several months went by and I began to realize that his change was not superficial. I could see God working in his life. But I didn’t know how to let go of all the years of anger, frustration and disappointment I had built up inside. Having a relationship again started to sound good, but I had no idea how to even start down that path. It was so foreign to me at that point. All my life, when I was faced with uncomfortable situations, I ran and hid. I could not comprehend the ability to stay in the same environment, talk through the past with someone I accumulated so much anger and hurt around and then to forgive. It just seemed impossible. When he would ask if we could work on our relationship, the only answer I could give him was, “I don’t know.”
I remember walking around a park talking to God and asking him what was wrong with me. I remember wondering how Jesus forgave me – a really messed up person, but I knew that he did because I could feel it. I could feel the love and the warmth that I prayed for. So why could I not do the same? What was wrong with me? I asked God to help me with this. Whatever God’s will was for my life, I would follow, just please, help me with this. I felt very broken and had no answers. I was very tired and knew that something had to be done. Everything I had done up to that point was not working and it was hurting me emotionally and physically. I went to bed and when I woke up, all the anger was gone! It was a strange feeling to see my husband and feel genuine love for him – and not anger! I tried to think about all the times I was angry at him and felt hurt by him and although I could remember some details, the feelings around them were gone. Instead of pain, I felt love. That was strange, and I started to over analyze it, and then stopped and prayed, giving God thanks as it really did feel amazing and like a huge weight had been lifted!
What I realized through all this is that forgiveness is about trusting God though life’s ups and downs, because life is going to happen. It is walking with him through them and when they feel overwhelming and like they just won’t stop, learning to pray through them, asking God to surround those we are challenged by with love and his warmth and to take the feelings of anger, disappointment and frustration and turn them into love and warmth for myself. It is learning that having these feelings is OK, and a normal part of life. I am human and as such, I will have feelings and emotions. I don’t have to sit with them for 50 years; however, and let them stew within me and change my heart and thus change my thoughts, decisions and actions. I understand that heart changes are not instant. They can take time, and prayer really helps!
I’m learning to pray without expectations or for a specific circumstance or outcome. God is not a vending machine. Prayer is important though as it helps me to see others as God sees them – not for their outward actions, but for who they are inside, as we are all made in the image of God. Prayer reminds me that the only person who can judge someone else is God, and that I need to focus on my own heart and make sure that it comes from a place of love and not anger. For each person or circumstance that I pray for, asking God to surround them with his love and warmth and not focusing on the he said, she said details, or the feelings of being wronged by someone, I receive a brick to add to my house, and with each brick, my foundation and house become stronger against the wolf and any other outside influences.
It is necessary for our behaviors to be consistent with the commitment we make to Jesus. The difference between a life that can withstand storms and one that cannot depends not just on whether one comes to Christ and hears his words, but also whether one acts on his teachings.