6: 27 – 36 This next section was one of the hardest things for me to read and understand at a heart level! I had gathered inside all the wrongs I felt others had done to me over the years, which led to an incredible amount of pain and anger that had nowhere to go. It had extinguished any and all happiness and joy that was once inside. How on earth could I love my enemies – they are enemies for a reason! Jesus continued . . .
“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies!”
“Do good to those who hate you.”
“Bless those who curse you.”
“Pray for those who hurt you.”
“If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also.”
“If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also.”
“Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back.”
“Do to others as you would like them to do to you.”
“If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that? Even sinners love those who love them!”
“And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit? Even sinners do that much!”
“And if you lend money only to those who can repay you, why should you get credit? Even sinners will lend to other sinners for a full return,”
“Love your enemies! Do good for them.”
“Lend to them without expecting to be repaid. Then your reward from heaven will be very great, and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High, for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked.”
“You must be compassionate, just as your Father is compassionate.”
So – my father who wrote a letter to me when I was in my teens saying that I was no longer considered his daughter because I was adopted and he wanted to have his own, closed family, and who over and over reiterated over the years that I was not a part of his family through his words and actions – I should forgive him. As hard as this was to swallow – the answer was yes. Forgiveness is not saying that what he did was right. It is releasing all the hurt and anger around this so that I can come from a place of love when interacting with others and not carry around the heaviness of that hurt and pain, which dimmed the joy, peace and love that was inside my heart. It is remembering my ending two lives through abortion – and being forgiven and loved by God. It is taking the forgiveness that I have been given and passing it along to my Dad.
But what about the boyfriend who cheated on me, or the one who physically abused me? What about the relationship that was emotionally abusive? What about the one where after getting married, he mentally disappeared, and I felt the whole weight of providing for our family on my shoulders? I felt victimized through all these relationships and was very hurt, emotionally, and physically. I had a pattern of running away when things felt uncomfortable. I did not like confrontation. I could not understand why others treated me so bad. I felt that I was a good person inside. Why could they not see that, and if they did, why did they take advantage of that? Through these relationships, I gathered up a lot of pain and anger that stayed inside of me and had nowhere to go. When I would hear of someone else going through something similar, my first reaction was to step in and help. That desire to help came from all that hurt and anger that was inside; however. It was like something would take over and I found myself giving advice to others or opening my home to them so that they would not have to experience life’s pains. It was much easier to do this for others than to stand up for myself. I found myself living through others and losing myself.
I guess I should then forgive all those who I have felt wronged by – but how? I struggled with this for a very long time. People would tell me to “Let Go and Let God,” or to lay these things down at God’s feet. OK. How do I do that? They made it sound so easy! I talked to God and asked him to take away all these feelings. Nothing. I envisioned taking a bunch of items that were weighing me down and placing them at God’s feet. Again, nothing. For those who I had felt wronged by and who were in my past and I did not see anymore, they were a little easier to forgive. I would write down what happened, tell myself that I didn’t want to hang onto those feelings anymore, asked God to help me put those situations in the past and to not hold onto the emotions around them, and I would burn or throw away what I wrote. That helped. I did not feel the pain and anger associated with them anymore; however, I did still have pain and anger inside. I was still in a relationship where I felt hurt and anger from – and was living in the same house with him raising our children.
How could I forgive someone who I am still living with and who I feel hurt and anger from on a daily basis? It is so much easier when that person is not in your life anymore! I had encountered some very challenging situations in my business and life as well, and not only was I holding onto hurt and anger in my relationship at home, but these same feelings were coming from a business partner and two clients back to back, in addition to becoming worried for the safety of one of my children. I felt very overwhelmed and started to lose myself. It took everything I had to keep moving forward – and with each forward movement came pain from a person or situation that I could not control. I did not know what to do – and then just started praying for each person and situation. I had no clue what would happen if anything, but that was the only thing that kept coming to my mind. Just pray for them. I heard this over and over within, so I just kept praying.
It felt very strange to pray for people and situations that I felt hurt, anger, frustration, worry and concern around – but I kept praying, and it started to get easier. When a new challenging situation would come along, I begin praying in my mind. I remember talking to God while in the middle of a conversation with someone else, saying. “God, please help me in this situation, so I don’t kill them.” This was said in my mind jokingly – and it helped. I did A LOT of praying as I was in the midst of one challenge after another, without much of a break in between.
After a few months, I started to notice some changes. My relationship with my children was improving and getting much better. Worries and fears around my children’s safety began to shift to love and an internal knowing that they would be OK, which was a huge comfort for me! I began to realize that the majority of the things I was worried about and that was causing me anxiety to the point where it was hard to function – I had no control over. I began to realize how much I craved control over others and situations. It was so natural for me that I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I didn’t know how I had gotten to that point, or how to even begin to stop. It was engrained in who I was. The only thing I knew how to do at this point was to pray for people and situations, and I knew that had to have something to do with how to change.
I felt a very strong desire to go to church and pray. I contacted the church I was attending and asked them if I could come to the church and pray after a walk I did in the morning. They let me in and I would sit in a small room and just talk to God about all that was going on in my life at that time. I didn’t ask for God to intervene – I just talked. I would tell him about all that I was feeling and would ask him what I should do. I would then pray for that person or situation – not for a change on my behalf, but just to pray that God surrounds them with his warmth and love. I would envision them sleeping or sitting up and being surrounded by his love, being completely covered as if in a nice, warm blanket.
I heard others talking when I would leave and realized there was a group of women that came to the church once a week to pray. I asked if I could join them and started going weekly, just to talk to God about all that I experienced that week, and to pray for all who came to my mind while I was sitting there for an hour. There were quite a few people that came to mind each week and each time, I would just ask God to prick their heart with his love and to just surround them with his warmth and love. It felt strange going to a church outside of a Sunday just to pray; however, over time, I started to look forward to each Wednesday morning!
After a year of going to the church to pray, I began to see and experience bright, white lights while I prayed, and felt an amazing amount of warmth as I would pray. I took those experiences as confirmations that I was in the right place and that God was working in my life. For an hour, I felt wonderful! But I had to go back home and work, where all the challenges were and feelings of hurt and anger. I had been praying for over a year and was still experiencing all the anger and frustration of life. I still had an internal desire to run and just be by myself. For some reason, I did not follow through on that. Instead, I hid inside myself. I didn’t talk much or open up to many about what I was experiencing.
My husband, who I had these feelings around, began to change – little by little. He started going to church and working out on the weekends with other Christian men at the church. After close to a year, we had a conversation around our relationship and the past. He told me he had changed and wanted to work on our relationship. That would normally be wonderful news; however, I had so much anger and resentment from the past that I didn’t know how to just shut it off and start over. I wanted to know if this was indeed real, or something that was temporary and he would emotionally disappear again. I had several trust issues, not just with him, but with men in general.
Several weeks went by and I could see that the changes were real. I was stuck in the past; however, and did not know how to let go of all the anger and resentment I had towards him. I remembered a conversation I had with the minister of my church a few years prior where my husband had made a decision that put me over the edge. He was out of town at the time with our son and I was making plans to leave him. I asked the minister if it was bad to envision my husband’s plane going down and my husband dying while my son lived. I said it jokingly; however, a part of me was not joking. I didn’t want my husband to die – I just wanted him out of my life and that seemed like an easy way out where I would not have to be the bad guy and leave the relationship. I remember his answer. God will either change both our hearts or will take care of the situation if we are not to be together. I opted for the later as I could not even imagine how God could change either of our hearts. That would be a true miracle!
I found out that miracles do exist. I saw the changes in my husband and wanted to be able to plug back into the relationship without all the anger and hurt feelings, but didn’t know how. It seemed impossible. I had several people over the years get to know us both and ask me why I had not left him. I did not have anyone on the side of us being together. I reached out to some friends from church who had been through similar challenges and who stayed together and had an amazing and loving relationship. I wanted to balance out what I had been hearing from others. Several weeks went by and I was still very reluctant to “give in.” I remember talking to God on one of my walks and asking him what was wrong with me. Things were changing in a very good way and I could not accept them. Instead, I was hanging onto the past. Why could I not forgive him? I told God that I was so grateful that God forgave me for all my past thoughts, decisions and actions. Why could I not pass along that same forgiveness to my husband? It really bothered me as I did not want to hang onto all the anger and hurt feelings anymore. I was stuck.
I woke up the next morning and it was all gone. All the feelings from the past just disappeared. They were not inside directing my thoughts, decisions and actions anymore. I was able to talk to my husband and move from being roommates over a 9 year stretch to being husband and wife again. Although I didn’t understand it and knew it would take some time to get to know each other again, I knew this was a gift from God and was very grateful to have all those feelings that I had hung onto over the years and through which I was making decisions and guided my actions, gone!
The point that Jesus was teaching is that those who follow him are characterized by actions of love and generosity. Jesus taught the logic of selfless love. This type of love is not just returning the love someone has shown you, or doing something good for someone as a repayment, or lending to others when you are certain to be repaid. There is no “spiritual credit” in God’s eyes for these actions as people who do not know Jesus and who have hardened hearts even behave this way. Those who follow Christ are to practice a deeper, selfless love, which can be very challenging and hard to do, but very rewarding at the same time. It gets much easier once you learn to walk with God through the ups and downs in life.
Jesus taught that there is a reward for this type of thinking and actions – loving your enemies, doing good and lending without expectations of repayment – and it will be great; however, it will not be in this life. That does not mean that if you follow Jesus, you will encounter hardship and struggles. These are encountered whether or not you follow Jesus. You can be a follower of Jesus and live a very good life in every way, but through loving your enemies, doing good and sharing your financial wealth with others in need without the “expectation” of repayment, the reward that you will receive after you pass from this world is much greater than anything you could have or experience in this world!