6: 43-45 “A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. A tree is identified by its fruit. Figs are never gathered from thorbushes, and grapes are not picked from bramble bushes. A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.”
This last piece is so true! What we say flows from what is in our heart. I’ve tried every which way to figure out how that cannot be true. I cared about others and focused on helping them. That must have come from a good heart – but inside, I had a lot of anger, frustration and disappointment, and that was where a lot of my thoughts, decisions and actions came from. This did not match up. I had always thought of myself as a good person.
I remember a very intense situation arising with one of the lady’s I was helping, who lived with us. Things had become very uncomfortable in the house and I had to ask her to leave. That really hurt me as I so wanted things to work out for the best, but it was having an impact on my family. The day she left, I had so many emotions running through me. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her that everything would be OK, but here I was asking her to gather her things and leave. This was someone who was living in a hotel room with her daughter after coming out of an abusive relationship. Where would she go? Had I really helped her if I was putting her back out on the street?
After she left, I heard an internal voice say “Stop and listen.” Up until that point, I knew only one direction and that was to move forward, no matter what. Put blinders on and just move forward. I didn’t know how to stop. And to listen? I was really good at my own internal dialogue, but to actually listen to someone other than myself? I was not sure how to do that.
I had so many things going on at that point – with work and with many other activities I was involved in. I had just started up a group a few months prior with the intention on bringing our resources together to help folks in need give a hand up in life. Unfortunately, I felt I was doing a good portion of the work myself and was getting worn out. I stopped everything, which was very hard to do. I have always been one to follow through on things and someone people could depend on – and here I was stopping what I had worked with someone else to create.
As I began to listen, God showed me over the next two years, different situations in my life where I had made decisions and acted upon them. As he showed me each one, he showed me my part in those decisions and actions, and as I evaluated them, I began to see them much differently than I had originally. The group I had created was to be a collaboration of individuals and organizations coming together with collective resources to provide a hand up to individuals walking through a challenging life situation. Shortly after forming the collaboration, someone reached out and needed assistance for her and her daughter, who left an abusive situation and was living in a hotel room. She only had enough funds to stay one more day – and it was cold outside!
I prayed about her situation and felt led to reach out to individuals I knew to see if we could find a roommate situation for her and her daughter. From a financial point of view, if we were going to pull funds together to assist her, this would give her more stability than spending funds on a hotel room. Shortly afterwards, we found what felt like the perfect place! The lady renting the room seemed very compassionate and had children of her own! We were so excited! Everyone was on board with the plan. I took her shopping to get things for her new place as she only had a few bags of personal items with her – whatever she could carry from one place to another while staying in the hotel. We got her all settled in.
At first, everything seemed to be going well. Then I received a call that it was not working out. There were some personality clashes. I was hearing from her and the lady she was staying with as well. I was in over my head. This was supposed to work and was going to be our model moving forward – and it was not working out! I talked to my husband, told him about the situation and instead of asking him his thoughts on bringing her to live with us, I’m sure I said it in a way where he knew that no matter what he said, I was going to bring her home anyway. “I” ended up taking over. “I” intervened in God’s plan and decided that my way was better. Of course, I did not see any of this as I was going through it. I was acting purely on emotion. I wanted this to work, not just for her, but for what we were putting together. We could not have our first case fail!
I realized later when I stopped and listened and God went over the scenario with me, that although my intentions were good, I allowed the anger, hurt and frustration that was within my heart to take over, shutting everything else out! It didn’t matter what anyone said, I was going to do what I wanted to do. I thought it was coming from a good place; however, it was not. It came from pride – not wanting what we were creating to be seen as a failure. Not only did my decisions hurt myself and my family emotionally, but it hurt us financially. I had decided when everything was happening, to put the security deposit and first months rent down on the apartment I had found for the lady and her daughter to rent. I reasoned that I would get it back eventually. I had used my own funds to take her shopping for the new apartment. I spent time and money taking her back and forth between the hotel, shopping, eating out, to the apartment and then to my house. I had put blinders on and was moving forward – full force! I thought it was coming from a place of love, but it was not.
God lovingly showed me what was really going on and at what point I had moved away from him and onto my own. It was not a good realization at first, but I was thankful for it. He showed me other areas of my life where I had done the same thing. I had taken over and was trying to do everything on my own. Since I would not listen, God gave me the space to do things on my own, which always ended in my getting worn down, sick and ending up in very challenging situations. Jesus is teaching that a persons actions and words come from what is in their hearts. It is so important to learn to discern situations as they arise and our decisions around them so that we can come from a place of love and not from our own understanding and actions. Learning this has made a huge difference in my life!