Luke 9: 10 – 17
Jesus’s apostles returned, updating him with their travels and all they had done. He tried to quietly slip away with them to a town called Bethsaida; however, the crowds found out where he was going and followed him. Instead of being upset, he welcomed them and taught them about the kingdom of God and healed those who were sick.
I can only imagine how tired he and the apostles must have been from their travels and constantly being around people. I would want to take a break to relax from the crowds while catching up with the apostles in a more relaxed environment. He realized the crowd’s desire to learn and be healed, and saw this as an opportunity, not only to teach the crowds, but his disciples, about having faith.
As it was getting late, twelve of his disciples came up to him and asked him to send the crowds away to nearby villages and farms so that they could find food for the night and rest. They were in a remote area at the time, and there was nothing to eat there. Instead of agreeing and sending them out, Jesus told his disciples, “You feed them.” They surveyed the crowd and could only find five loaves of bread and two fish. They were confused as in their minds, that was barely enough to feed just a few men, let alone 5,000 men – plus all the women and children, which could have easily totaled around 15,000 people or more. They asked Jesus, “are you expecting us to go and buy enough food for this whole crowd?” They started reasoning in their minds how to solve the problem, rather than leaning on faith that they were with the Messiah who could perform a miracle and make this happen. He was, after all, the person who asked them to feed the crowd. They had been around him long enough to know that If he asked this of them and they had faith, then it could be done, regardless of how things looked to them.
I find myself a lot like the apostles. When faced with a challenge or a problem, the first thing I do is begin problem-solving – on my own, which never works out, and if it does, it is usually only temporary. When reading this, I could see the wheels turning in the apostles’ mind . . . Jesus asked us to do this – and he is the Messiah, so we should trust in what he says . . . but how? Let’s look around and see what we have . . . five loaves of bread and two fish . . . well, that’s not going to work. How can I “fix” this? I know – we can go to the store and buy food for everyone – but that’s a lot of people . . . how can we afford that?
I have a natural desire to help others. When I first encounter someone who needs help and I hear their stories and life challenges, my immediate reaction is to “fix” things. I get caught up in the “they have been wronged, “I” need to jump in and help to make it right. “I” need to make sure they feel loved and supported and don’t suffer anymore. “I” want to see them thrive. There are a lot of “I’s” in there.
I had someone tell me about a single Mom who needed help. I reached out and found out she had just left a domestic violence situation, which tore at my heartstrings. I referred her to different organizations who support women coming out of those situations; however, she told me that she had gone to them and they could not help her. They were at capacity. She was on the street with her young child and needed somewhere to stay ASAP.
I was working with several others, building a community of resources for those in need and this seemed like our first “client.” I reached out to the group and they pulled together funds for a hotel night. I felt relieved. She was off the street and in a safe place – for one night. Then it hit me. What about the next night, and the next night? She was on disability, which paid very little each month. Where were they going to go? I totalled up how much it would cost someone to stay in a hotel room for one month. It was around $2,000 – way more than my monthly mortgage payment for a 2-story house, and way more than she received each month! There was no way we could give that type of support.
I prayed to God for an answer on how to help her – long-term. Several people popped up in my mind and I reached out to them. One lady told me about a Facebook group where they list rooms for rent. There were folks who needed help to pay their mortgage or their rent, so they rent out rooms to others to help them stay in their home. She helped me navigate the website as it was in another language. We found someone looking who had children the same age as the single Mom we were working with. I met with her and it seemed as if it was a perfect match made by God. I was so happy!
“I” paid the security deposit and first month’s rent, and took her shopping for a few basic things (all she had was 2 bags of their belongings). The room was furnished; however, she needed bedding and bathroom items, groceries, and a toy or two for her child. Instead of raising the money first, “I” intervened and made the assumption that with the community of resources we had put together, I would eventually be paid back. “I” determined it was an immediate need and it seemed like it was all being directed by God. The women renting the house was so loving and understanding of the situation, helping her to move in, introducing her to her children and letting them play together while she got settled in. She offered to take her places in her car, if she needed. I left feeling on top of the world! She was in a safe place, loved and supported! The monthly rent fit perfectly in what she received each month – and she would have quite a bit left over for anything she and her child needed. She would thrive there – right?
I started receiving phone calls that things were not working out. I received calls from the single Mom – and from the lady who was renting to her, both complaining about each other. Things seemed like a perfect fit. It seemed like it was all orchestrated by God. What happened? “I” went into fix-it mode again. She was our first “client.” This HAD to work. I brought her, her child and all their belongings back to my house. I put my son on a mattress in our room and gave them his room. I reasoned that it would only be temporary until we could find another place for them.
Things went downhill very quickly. Her child was a handful and her personality clashed with my son’s. She would leave with friends and come home intoxicated. Cars were pulling up in our driveway with what I could only imagine was an exchange of drugs for money. Things started spiraling out of control. The lady whose house she was living at kept calling me as she broke the lease and she wanted more money stating that she depended on the income to make her mortgage payment and until she could find someone else to rent the room, she needed the monthly payment. “I” paid for one more month of rent as the lady we were helping refused to pay her anything. I was trying to protect the reputation of the collaboration we had put together and didn’t want to have any negative feedback from the resources we were working with.
My husband informed me that he did not feel safe in our home anymore and that he was going to take our son and go to a hotel. I drove to Lowe’s Home Improvement, bought a new lock for our front door (she had a key to the house), and while there, contacted her to let her know she was going to have to find another place to live. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She told me she had nowhere to go and got angry at me for asking her to leave. It was highly recommended to me that I call the police and have them there when she got back, to protect myself and my family. As I began to make that call, she pulled up with a friend. I hung up and had no idea what I was going to encounter. She came in very upset and laid into me. Her friend looked at me, thanked me for everything we had done and told her to go pack up her stuff, that we were good people, and he could feel that we were doing God’s work. I was stunned! She calmed down, gathered her belongings, and left peacefully.
After she left, I fell down on the couch in relief and heard a very loud voice say “STOP” and “LISTEN.” I had no choice up to that point, but to do just that. I was physically and emotionally drained. Over the next few weeks, images would pop up in my head and dreams of different life experiences I had and the part I played in each one, where I took over instead of listening to God. I could see the point where I stopped listening and went into fix it mode – at all costs. God was showing me things that were very hard to see as I had spent a good majority of my life in victim mode and fixing things for others. I saw my part in it all and could see the point in each situation where God was with me at the beginning, and where I took over and thought my way was better than God’s way. As hard as it was to see this, he did it in a very loving way. Those were some of the toughest weeks I have been through.
To more efficiently distribute the food, Jesus instructed his disciples to organize the huge crowd into groups of about 50 people. Jesus took the five loaves and two fish, looked up toward heaven, and blessed them. Then, breaking the loaves into pieces, he kept giving the bread and fish to the disciples so they could distribute it to the people. They all ate as much as they wanted, and afterward, the disciples picked up twelve baskets of leftovers! Yes – God can work miracles in your life – you just have to open up your heart enough for him to work! For me, that started with making a commitment to go to church and read the Bible for one year. After that, I reasoned that if it wasn’t for me, I could walk away. There was no way at the time I could have envisioned all that would take place following that one simple decision.