8: 40-56 On the other side of the lake, the crowds had been waiting for Jesus and they welcomed him as he arrived. A leader of the local synagogue came and fell at Jesus’s feet, pleading with him to come home with him. His only daughter, who was about twelve years old, was dying.
As Jesus went with him, he was surrounded by the crowds. A woman in the crowd had suffered for twelve years with constant bleeding, and she could find no cure. Coming up behind Jesus, she touched the fringe of his robe. Immediately, the bleeding stopped.
“Who touched me?” Jesus asked. Everyone denied it, and Peter said, “Master, this whole crowd is pressing up against you.” But Jesus said, “Someone deliberately touched me, for I felt healing power go out from me.” When the woman realized that she could not stay hidden, she began to tremble and fell to her knees in front of him. The whole crowd heard her explain why she had touched him and that she had been immediately healed. “Daughter,” he said to her, “your faith has made you well. Go in peace.”
While he was still speaking to her, a messenger arrived from the home of the local synagogue leader, whose child was dying. He told the leader that his daughter had passed, and that there was no use in troubling Jesus now. When Jesus heart what happened, he told the father, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith, and she will be healed.” The natural conclusion of all who had heard that the little girl had passed was that she was now beyond any help that Jesus could have given. However, Jesus stated that the same kind of faith that healed the lady with the bleeding disorder would bring the dead girl back to life.
When they arrived at the house, Jesus wouldn’t let anyone go in with him except Peter, John, James and the little girl’s father and mother. The house was filled with people crying. Jesus said to them, “Stop the weeping! She isn’t dead; she’s only asleep.” But the crowd laughed at him because they all knew she had died. Jesus took her by the hand and said in a loud voice, “My child, get up!” At that moment, her life returned, and she immediately stood up! Jesus told them to give her something to eat. Her parents were overwhelmed, but Jesus insisted that they not tell anyone what had happened.
I remember being very angry and frustrated at my life. I felt stuck. I wanted to run and hide – just get away and start all over. That’s what I was good at – running. I decided to work on being more involved with my family and purchased tickets to an event for my son that we could all go to. He was very excited, and we had a calendar that counted down the days. The tickets and all the arrangements had been made 9 months in advance. A week before we were to leave, I was informed that they were going to fly out – on the same day we were to travel to the event – to visit with his family in another state. I mentioned that that was the same day of the event that our son had been looking forward to and his response was, “my Mom already bought the plane tickets.” I was furious and didn’t know what to do.
It took everything I had not to say, “that’s it! I’m done!” I had planned on leaving him on several occasions and this would have been the perfect time. He did not seem to be concerned at all about the dilemma. It took all I had to pack up my son’s things for the trip and drive them to the airport – on the same day, at the same time and on the same route that we were to take to go to the event. I felt like I was going to explode from the inside out during the drive. I managed to give my son a hug and a kiss as they left. The drive home was the hardest drive I have ever had. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach – and I just took the blow. I was furious and completely broke down while driving home.
They would be gone for a week. My first thought was that would give me enough time to find another place to live and move out. I was having trouble following through though. I was so upset that I could not function or do any work. I called the pastor of my church as I needed someone to talk to and did not have many people that I could talk to at that time. I remember asking him if it is bad to envision a plane going down, killing my husband, but having my son survive. He listened and pointed me to a passage in Romans 8 to see if it resembled how I was feeling. Yes! It’s in the Bible! I felt justified in my anger and thoughts! I had been wronged and even the Bible agreed with me! He then replied that God will either change our hearts to be together, or he will take care of the situation. I opted for God to take care of the situation. I told him it would literally be a miracle for us to stay together and have any resemblance of a relationship. Although we were married, we had been roommates up until that point.
I went home and read the passage he pointed out in Romans 8. It read differently, though. I did not have the same reaction that I did reading it in his office. I read it over and over. It pointed at ME, not at him as the problem. That can’t be right, I thought. I decided to read the whole chapter, starting at the beginning. I figured I must have read something wrong. It still pointed at me. I could not even relate anything I was reading to what I felt sitting there in his office feeling justified. I decided to go back further and decided to read the whole book from the beginning.
I learned a lot while reading. During that week, God really pricked my heart and began working on me. I resigned to working on myself and learning how to walk with God. I used that week to listen to God and learn how to listen to what he is saying to me as I read the Bible. I figured I could learn how to coexist with my husband in our home with the goal of raising our youngest son the best way we could, but to rebuild our relationship – that would literally take a miracle!
I found out a few years later, that miracles do happen! Over time, my husband began to change. He started going to church, began to build a network of friends at the church and got baptized. One day he wanted to talk. We only had superficial conversations up to that point. He opened up about the battles he had been fighting within him and how he learned how to turn them over to God. He recognized and apologized for his part in all we went through over a 12-year period. I should be grateful for his change of heart and ready to jump back into a husband-and-wife relationship, but no – I still had a lot of anger within me. It could not be that easy – could it? But what about all that we had been through. How can that just be swept under the rug? What if old habits come back?
As happy as I was that he had changed, I was terrified and did not know how to move forward in a new relationship with him. My guard was still up. What if he is only saying those things to bring about a false sense of hope so that when I give in and we rebuild our relationship, I find out that those changes were not permanent, and things go back to the way they were. I was very guarded. Deep down, I did not think it was possible for someone to change overnight and have all that happened in the past just disappear. I did not have faith.
I fought it at first as I had been rooted in anger for so long that I didn’t know how to operate without it. I talked to God about it, like I had been doing for the past several years. I went on walks and talked with a few friends I had come to know about my fears and my desires. On my walks, I would talk with God and ask him why it was so hard for me to forgive. What I had prayed for was right in front of me, but I had so much anger inside from the past that I physically and emotionally could not move forward. He had changed, but I had not. I realized that a relationship would not work unless I changed as well. I was praying one night, and I asked God to take away all the anger that was in my heart. I was tired of carrying it around. I went to bed, woke up and all the feelings of anger, disappointment and frustration just disappeared! What I thought was impossible was actually possible – through God.