Who is Jesus and Why Should I Care? This is a question that stayed with me for way too many years. I grew up in a house divided. My Dad was an atheist, and my mom was a Christian. She would take my brother and I to Sunday School and church while we pleaded to stay home with Dad. I was bullied very heavily in elementary and middle school during the week, and then on the weekends, had to go to church, where those same bullies were, along with others. They acted so nice when they were with their families and in Sunday School; however, it was during the breaks between Sunday School and church, and at school that they showed a different side. We were taught that Jesus loved us; however, I did not feel love. I felt not good enough, shame, and judged. I felt like Jesus was someone who looked down on me from up above and was judging my every move so that he could throw me below into the pit of fire when he found out who I really was. I was shy, sad, and full of fear and anger. I felt misunderstood by others, but could not find the voice to speak up and let anyone in.
My parents ended up getting a divorce. My mom enrolled in college and was studying theology. She then got remarried to my Stepdad, who was a Presbyterian minister. Although I was not wild about it at first, there was something about my stepdad and who my mom was when she was around him that made me happy. I was not the perfect kid. I skipped school and I acted out; however, there was something about this new life with my mom and Stepdad that I had not had before. I felt loved unconditionally. My Dad decided a few years later that I was no longer a part of his new family since I was adopted and not related to him by blood. The unconditional love from my mom and Stepdad really helped me to move through this. I reasoned that the love I felt from them, that brought me through so many really hard times, had to come from God. But who was this Jesus person, and how did he fit into the picture? I wanted a direct relationship with God and did not want to go through anyone else. I felt unconditional love from who I reasoned was God; however, equated Jesus to someone who was waiting for me to “sin” so he could pass judgment on me and send me straight to the depths of hell.
I met and married my first husband and was introduced to Islam. Here was a religion where you did not have to go through Jesus to get to God, and they seemed to know quite a bit about the stories in the Bible. I started reading the Quran and went to classes to learn more. Instead of feeling God’s love, it felt more like a fear of God. I have several friends and family who follow Islam and I have a lot of respect for them. It just did not feel right to me.
I felt a strong desire to know God more; however, was still hung up on Jesus. I went to a few churches; however, instead of talking about God, all I heard was Jesus’ name mentioned as the path to God. I walked into a Science of Mind church and stayed for the whole service. They spoke about God’s love and Jesus’ name was not mentioned once. I grew a lot here and had some amazing experiences! It seemed that they believed in all paths to God. I met people from all different backgrounds, all searching for the same thing – God’s love. I attended a Buddhist temple while there, heard the Lord’s prayer in Aramaic, learned about dream interpretation, meditation, yoga, healing with crystals and singing bowls and Reiki/energy healing. I was very sick and was beginning a shift out of a toxic marriage when I first started attending. Within a few months, I had some amazing experiences that healed all the physical symptoms I was feeling. I remember going to the doctor and the amazement at how healthy I had become!
As wonderful as things were, I felt something was missing. I felt as if I was being led somewhere, and I started the journey and then got stuck. I bought a house in another city and got remarried. Shortly afterwards, life began to fall apart, and I realized the foundation that “I” had built through meditation, energy healing and positive affirmations, had holes in it and was not strong enough to carry me through all I was experiencing. I put blinders on and barreled through on my own strength. I had been through so much in my life and was tired. I was tired of trusting others and being let down. I was tired of learning new techniques to heal myself and make myself happy only to find out that they were only temporary. I slid into the background and just went through the motions of life. I felt stuck and did not know how to move forward. I wanted to run and hide. I had a very strong urge to be by myself.
Through all this, we opened our home to people who needed a place to stay to get back on their feet. We had an extra room at the house that we used for this purpose. Four years after we moved in, after 2 challenging miscarriages and a doctor talking me out of getting my tubes tied while I was prepped for the surgery, I gave birth to a son. I had two children from my previous marriage – a son who was graduating from high school, and a daughter who was in her last year of middle school. We were blessed to have someone move in with us who could not have come at a better time. She joined our home when my youngest, Cameron was 3 months old and took care of him while I worked, trying to keep our home and our life as normal as possible, while inside I was going through an internal battle. After four years, she had found another place to live and had gotten back on her feet. I was so excited for her, but at the same time, sad as she had become a part of our family. My son would start school the next year and we now needed to find a daycare or preschool for him to attend until that time. After visiting several and not feeling good about any of them, a friend recommended a preschool at a local church.
We went and checked it out. I was not comfortable with the fact it was at a church; however, we were running out of options, and I had heard good things about the preschool. We enrolled him and he thrived there! His teacher was amazing, and I had gotten to know some of the people who worked there, and they were amazing! We were invited to an art show at the preschool one night, showcasing the children’s drawings with a reception and food afterwards. It was held in the fellowship hall and not the churches sanctuary, so it felt safe for me to attend. I had a great time talking to his teacher, some of the other parents and seeing how happy he was playing with the friends he made there.
The preschool had a Christmas show the students had been preparing for and that we were invited to. It was in the Churches sanctuary – on Sunday. It felt very strange “going to church” on a Sunday, but I was excited to see him in the Christmas show. We stayed for the whole service, and I felt comfortable there, which was a very strange feeling for me to have – in a church! I had the desire to go back the next Sunday. I tried to fight it but ended up going back. I was impressed that I could actually understand what the pastor was saying and that it did not feel “churchy” to me. Instead, it felt welcoming.
When I would pick Cameron up, if I got there early, the pastor of the church would be outside, and we would strike up a conversation. I had LOTS of questions but didn’t want to overwhelm him. There was a desire to know more though. I wound up going to a “Day of Growth” class, where they spend a few hours telling you about the church, what they believe in and give a tour of the church. I had left my phone at home and had a client appointment after the class. I realized the class was going to be longer than I expected. I had my laptop with me, so during a break, I texted my husband to ask if he could bring my phone and leave it in my car, so I could call my client at the next break. The next break was a tour of the property. Perfect! My plan was to stop by my car on the way back to the class, get my phone and make the call. Things did not go as planned; however. I slipped away towards my car as everyone else headed back to the class. My car was locked. I went to get the keys from my purse – in the fellowship hall where the class was being held – and the doors were locked. No one was around. It was just me – in a parking lot with a few other cars, and no way into the church, no way to contact anyone.
I sat on the church steps for what seemed like forever (about 30 minutes). The sun felt warm, and I felt God was trying to get my attention – and he had it. I had nowhere to go and nothing to do but listen. I felt that he was telling me to make a commitment to attend this church for one year, to read the Bible all the way through in that same time frame and then the icing on the cake – that I would be baptized there. That was a lot to digest, but I agreed. I made the commitment. As soon as I did, a car pulled up. It was someone who works at the church. She unlocked the door so I could get back in. I walked in the room, and it was like I had never left. I sat down and they wrapped things up.
I talked to the pastor afterwards and asked him when they would hold the class again so I could attend the part I missed. We talked for a little while and he brought up being baptized. I told him that I was not ready. I needed to at least read the Bible and learn a little bit before doing that. I can’t remember his exact response to that, but it stayed with me – and for a few days following the class. I remembered my commitment and God informing me that I would be baptized there. The next time I saw the pastor, I told him I was ready to be baptized. The next Sunday, I found out the church would be reading the Bible together throughout the year through a Bible reading plan. I spent the first few months going to church and reading the Bible and trying to find some loophole to get me out of the commitment I made. I reasoned that if at any time, if I felt judged for who I was or my past, that I could leave and not follow through on my commitment. That never happened.
The day I was baptized, I felt an amazing amount of fear just grip me as I was in the room getting ready to walk into the tub of water. What was I doing? I was not ready. It was happening too fast. No matter how I have felt inside in the past, I have been good at keeping a smile on my face and pretending that everything is OK. For some reason, I could not do that this time. I lost it – and in front of one of the elder’s wives who was there with me, and the pastor – as he was praying for what was about to happen. I tried so hard to control my emotions so that I could logically think through what was happening but could not. I was finally able to pull myself together when it was time to walk in the tub of water.
They say that being baptized is dying to the old self and being born into the new self – into a new life with Jesus. I understood this logically on that day; however, understood it in my heart afterwards. All the fears I had that gripped me that day, left as I was being baptized. I felt great afterwards, and a bit silly for all the fear and emotions I had prior to it.
I thought everything would be wonderful afterwards. I was looking forward to this new life as the old one was not that great. The wonderful feeling that stayed with me afterwards faded pretty quickly. Within a few days of my sharing my new path and how wonderful I felt, I had a client lash out at me and dispute a large payment on a project that up until that point, had been doing very well, my mother died, my business partner informed me that he was not happy at all with my new path, we had to close the business we started together, and I had some very challenging situations with individuals who we brought in to live with us. Through it all, I continued to go to church every Sunday (I only missed two Sundays – one when my mom died and another when I was very sick) and I read the whole Bible, starting with the New Testament, and ending with the Old Testament.
After the first year, as everything in my life seemed to be falling apart, I heard a voice tell me to Stop and Listen. Up until that point, the only thing I knew how to do was move forward and I was not good at listening. I had a lot of projects I was working on at that time and stopped everything. I felt like I was letting others down but knew that I had to follow through and learn to listen, and the only way I could do that was to stop everything. For two weeks, I did nothing but walk, read the Bible, write out what I was reading, and pray. I thought things would then get better. Instead, God showed me my part in all the challenges I went through over the years – one at a time. It was shown in a very loving way; however, having to face the fact that “I” played a part in the challenges I was experiencing was a bit hard to digest. It is so much easier just to blame someone else. As soon as I would work through one, I would have a bit of a break, and then the next one appeared. This has been going on for a while and I am still working through these. It is different now; however. Instead of being judged by my current and past mistakes, I am shown my part in them in a very loving way and am given grace as I move through them. This has made a world of difference in my life!
Life still happens. Fears do still come up; however, they do not grip me like they used to. “I” am not doing things on my own anymore. Instead, I have someone walking with me and loving me through all the ups and downs of life.
I have felt compelled to share what has helped me with others. Reading the gospels was huge to me. They explain the life of Jesus. It was hard to read at first; however, through the reading, I got to know who Jesus was and he was not at all who I thought he was. He was not someone who was waiting for me to mess up so he could judge me and throw me into the pit of fire below. He cared for others. He healed others. He loved others. He had a hard time with the religious folks – Jews, Christians and others who used God’s word to look down on and judge others. In fact, they were the ones who ended up putting him on the cross! He had a heart for others and if I was alive at that time, I could have so hung out with him! He is everything in my life that I was searching for – that unconditional love!
The Gospels are four books – Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Each tell the same story, but from different viewpoints. Each person is writing from their viewpoint of the same encounter. There is a lot of similarity in the writings, so as you are reading, you may feel that you already read about that experience. There are many differences as well. One person may have had an experience the others did not or may look at it from a different perspective.
If you went on a trip for a week with four of your friends, and when you return, they wrote about the trip, there would be similarities in the writings, and each one would also have their own perspectives and experiences that are a bit different from the others.
Two of the authors (Matthew and John) were with Jesus for the three years of his ministry and got to know Jesus on a day-to-day basis. They were there when he healed and witnessed how he interacted with others. Matthew was a tax collector, a profession that was looked down upon by others. His gospel was written to the Jews. He wrote to them telling them that Jesus was the Messiah they had been waiting for and showed through his writing how he fulfilled the prophecies in the Old Testament.
John was a fisherman that Jesus ran into in the early stages of his ministry. John’s gospel was written last. He read the other gospels before writing his own and included details and events in his writing that are not in the others. As a result, his gospel has the most unique content of Jesus’s life.
Mark was the youngest writer. His mother’s house was used as a meeting place for the other disciples. He may have heard Jesus speak on a few occasions; however, after Jesus was killed, he traveled with the two of Jesus’s Apostles – Paul and Peter. Mark wrote his gospel from the interactions and conversations he had with Peter. His writing focuses on Peter’s mission – to spread the Gospel among the Gentiles (individuals who were not Jewish and who not familiar with the Old Testament and had not heard about Jesus).
Luke is the author I connected the most with. He did not know Jesus personally. Paul, one of Jesus’s apostles, taught him the Gospel, after Jesus’s death. Luke was a physician, and his writing reflects his profession. He spoke with several of the Apostles (those who were the closest to Jesus throughout his ministry and who were eyewitnesses to the events and details in Jesus’s life). Luke researched the life of Jesus through the eyes of his Apostles and those who he had performed miracles on. His gospel is written from the viewpoint of those he spoke to. When Luke writes about the birth of Jesus, this account was most likely from conversations he had with Jesus’s mom, Mary. I liked Luke’s emphasis on the vital role that women played throughout Jesus’s life.
The Gospels go through the life of Jesus while he was here on earth. As each gospel tells the same story, but from a different perspective, I am sharing Luke’s account as he is the one who I connected with the most. I ask for a commitment as you read, that you read without judgment. Just read. These are my words and interpretations of Luke’s gospel, and how they were meaningful in my life with what I have experienced. My hope is that this will spark an interest in you to want to know more and read all four Gospels as they are written in the Bible – in Jesus’s words and not mine. Whatever your conclusion is at the end about Jesus is respected. I just want to share the Jesus that I have learned about and who has made a huge difference in my life. My hope is that he will prick your heart as you read about him, and over time, you will learn to lean on him through the ups and downs in life, letting him guide you and love you through it all.
There are some words that you may not understand as you read. I have tried to explain some of the ones that threw me when I first started reading. I struggled reading at the beginning, not knowing some of the terminology that others who were raised as Christians seemed to know and understand. When I ran across something I did not understand, I would search it up on Google. That really helped!